Truck Nuts, Blue Balls, Schweddy Balls – you get the picture August 19, 2005

Have you noticed? Well, have you? You peoples out there, driving innocently to your places of work and play. Have you observed? Has your senses been caught off guard at a stop light or turning a corner. Were you jarred? Some of you must have seen it. I have and am a little confused and baffled at the new trend on the streets.

Do you know what I am talking about? Yes, that is right, *truck nuts.*

*music Please* Click here for music!.

“Do you nuts hang low, do they travel too and throw.
Can you tie them in a knot; can you tie them in a bow?”

Imagine if you will, the delight, the status symbol as you stop at a light and your *nut sack* swings gently in the air—here—there—oh how faire.

Of Course, nut sacks are important. Remember “Delicious Dish,” Saturday Night Live:

Teri Rialto: Mmm.. wow.. you have some beautiful Balls.

Margeret Jo McCullen: They’re bigger than I expected.

Pete Schweddy: A lot of people tell me that.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Look at that, Teri – the way they glisten.

Pete Schweddy: That’s because make sure that each one of my Balls gets plenty of oil.

Ah yes, Schweddy balls hanging low and, as I have observed and now know it is not a myth, a bit to the left – - or right. They have no concrete political persuasion.

But why blue? I have only seen the blue ones. Guys, please explain this to me! I have found they come in many different colors, why even brass! Brass balls makes a statement but *blue balls?* I am not sure what *blue balls* entails but when I brought it up to my husband, asked him to question his work mates on whether they too had see this new development on our streets, he said quite specifically, and with a bit of pain on his face: “I don’t think I will be questing my co-workers about *blue balls.*

Point well taken.

I now know they come in many colors and can be obtained at many well meaning, I am sure, websites.

Bumpernuts.com

Truck-Nuts.com

Nutsfortrucks.com

and my favorite: Bullsballs.com

I am not sure how I feel about the Balls, Schweddy or not. As a feminist, and in general an ironic lady, I can’t help but wonder on the status statement being made here. First, the guy (sorry but so far I have only seen men driving trucks with nut sacks) buys a car that eats more gas than should be allowed. You know, those hunking things that screams out: “Macho, macho man.” Hummers and the like. This, apparently, is not “big” enough, “strong” enough or “manly” enough so they top it off with a pair of hanging nuts:

“Do your nuts hang low, do they travel too and throw”

As my mom always used to say . . . I love my species!

Now, back to the program:

Teri Rialto: Can I touch your Balls.

Pete Schweddy: Go ahead. But be careful, they’re very delicate.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow. I can’t wait to get my mouth around his Balls.

Teri Rialto: [ sniffing ] Ooh.. I like the way your Balls smell..

Pete Schweddy: Do whatever you want to, ladies. My Balls are here for your pleasure.

Margeret Jo McCullen: [ chewing ] Wow, Pete.. I have to say – your Balls are so tender..

Pete Schweddy: Well, there’s no beating my Balls. They’re made from a secret Schweddy Family recipe. No one can resist my Schweddy Balls.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow.. Schweddy Balls. Nothing like a Schweddy Ball.

Teri Rialto: Good Balls.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Mmm.. good times.Teri Rialto: Good times.. Mmm.. our producer is telling us it’s time to wrap it up.