I get more material from airports! From the spaces (the few that there are) allotted to smokers, to the hierarchal structure that airlines creates for their customers, the material sometimes feels endless. Just in time for the holiday traveling, I thought I would examine the latter.
On my last trip to Florida and back, I found myself cloistered into what I will call spaces of “flight class.” From purchasing my airplane tickets, to waiting to board the plane, to my experience on the plane, I found myself wound up in a tangle of capitalist division where I was one of the “second classes” of flying culture.
First, let’s start with the ticket buying process. I am not an “elite” anything. I do not have “points.” I do not belong to any special flying “club.” Nor do I own and utilize any of those special credit cards that make me a “gold,” “platinum,” or “preferred” member (more on this later). I am quite simply a woman looking for the best price I can find on tickets, which means I scan the internet for those “cheap tickets.” I used to go through the airlines, but I found that nine times out of ten they were more expensive than the internet sites. However, because of this need to find the most economical way to fly, I end up taking different airlines and do not accrue points for a later date. Even if I did accrue the points, I would be confused as to how, when, and under what conditions I would be allowed to use those points (oh the horror stories I have heard from friends and family on this account!). Nevertheless, my point is if you cannot afford to use the same airline every time you fly, you can’t earn their points (which they try to not let you use) and so you can’t earn the special favors or the elevated status of “preferred.”
Add this experience with the other cultural practices and you start to feel like you are nothing better than a piece of chewed-up gum under the shoe of, say, US Airways. Now I only pick on US Airways because they happen to be the airline I was stuck with on this flight. I could easily use many of the other airlines to make my points as the airline culture does not differ radically between airlines (although I do know some are not as “elitest” oriented as US Air). But US Air it was, and so they are the ones that will get the brut of my critical observations.
First I check in. Because I am not a “preferred” person or a first class flyer, I get little to no help. Although you can check in online, I avoid this as I once had a terrible experience doing it. So, it is to the long lines and the computer setup areas. Of course the “preferred” folks have the short line and get to talk to what one assumes is a live human being. Yet these “elite” folks are few, as their line is small. To the Airport culture, mirroring our everyday culture, the elite are a small population compared to the amount of gum-on-bottom-of-shoe folks.
After checking in and having a human person check in my bag, I walk to security where everything is scrutinized. Here there is no elite line (although I have seen in some airports a first class passenger line where the folks get the ‘royal’ security checkout); we are all in the same boat. I take off my shoes, coat, and watch and am grateful that I can keep my underwear and bra on. However one wonders about the bra. On this trip I was sporting an under-wire bra and if a metal nail file can be considered a weapon, what about the wire in my bra???? But I digress. After disrobing, showing the contents of my medication (unlike Rush Limbaugh, I keep the goods under my name), and re-collecting the under 4oz of hand sanitation liquid, toothpaste and cough syrup, I walk to my gate and am verbally accosted by US Air employees wanting me to apply for their special Visa card where I have to pay a yearly fee (privilege ?) of $99 for a variable APR interest of 18.24 percent. I am told that this card is a “special” card—one that will give me, immediately, 25,000 bonus miles once I put only 1 dollar on the card, that I will become a “preferred” person when I fly and I might get a free ticket for whomever I am traveling with. But they lost me at the $99 annual fee and the 18.24 interest rate. However, it is nice to know that elite status can still be bought even if it wasn’t inherited or bestowed divinely! Ah capitalism! But again, I digress.
I then wait for my “Zone” to be called. I am in Zone 5 and there are only 6 Zones so I know I have a long wait. The woman next to me asks me what Zone I am in while telling me, and see seemed delighted by this proclamation, that she is in Zone 1: “But you know, I bought this ticket ages ago and so I get to board after the first class.” Zones would make sense to me if they were arranged in such a way as to load the plane from back to front. But this is not the case as when I enter with my other zone 5 mates, I noticed that people are seated all over the plane—front, back, middle—and so it does appear as if my “zone 1” friend was right: “first come first serve!” It is simply another way to let you know how “preferred” you are in the grand scheme of “preferrededness.”
Anyway, as I sink into my rather small seat, I am indoctrinated with phrases of “preferrededness,” by the flight attendants to remind me of my gum-on-bottom-of-shoe status: “preferred members,” “elite members,” “first class passengers,” “star alliance network members” and so on. Each of these different members get special privileges such as, I am guessing, free headphones and an extra bag of those awful snack mixes!
The headphones are such a bloody scam! You pay to buy a pair of headphones that will ONLY work in their plane because of the two prong design (I have noticed that this 2 prong design is different for most airlines making the headphone non-compatible with other airlines). And here too I was reminded of my gum-on-bottom-of shoe place as one male airline attendant snuck a free pair of headphones to another male passenger while approximately 20 of us were waiting in line to use the bathroom. The passenger who received this gift saw that I saw the hand off and smiled sheeply at me: “go ahead” I thought, “take your free headphone . . . I think they are stupid anyway!!!!!”
This brings me to another “preferred” airline culture fact: there are only 4 bathrooms on a plane that sits approximately 160 people–two in the front of the plane and two in the back. The front bathrooms are saved for the first class folks (all 10 of them) and the back two bathrooms are for 150 non-preferred folks –that is a 75 to 1 bathroom ratio. Now, I was sitting next to a man who really, and I mean really, needed to use the bathroom. He saw the line of folks for the back of the plane and, pragmatically, went instead to the first class area to use the bathroom. He was quickly kicked out even though no one was using the bathrooms up front, and was forced to stay in line for the non-preferred, elite, US Air club and non-star alliance network bathroom. My bladder felt for him . . . the insanity!
Finally, when the flight was almost over, we were again bombarded with the opportunity to get that special visa card from our flight attendants who worked hard to sell the program and get us to fill out the application right then and there. Folks who were sleeping found applications sitting on their tray tables or laps (one attendant put an application on the lap of my poor bathroom man while he was sleeping). The implication was if we wanted the status, if we wanted to use a bathroom with relatively no wait, if we wanted to use the airport elite-preferred club, or get those miles, we will pay for that privilege. To not to pay, to not consent to the concept of debt, was at once equated to not being part of the group, not enjoying concepts of preferrededness, eliteness, star potential (as in their star alliance network) and other catch phrases coined to make one feel special and noted. As for me, I guess I will continue to be that gum-on-the-bottom-of-the-shoe flying passenger—I will just make sure to use the bathroom at the airport several times before I walk onto the plane for a long flight!
Although I am a fan of capitalism, I cannot stand airlines. In an odd way, I think of airlines as the capitalism taken to its extreme. Profit margins are razor-thin and all consumers still thinks it costs too much. Worst off, the customer experience sucks because there is little incentive to improve it. I’ve found many people will spend more for “good service” as long as that just means spending an extra 50 cents to not go to Wal-Mart. As far as airlines go, I, like most people, just want to get there as cheaply as possible. But, I digress.
Airlines headphones are terrible as they always come with an announcement that they are ours to keep, yet I’ve never heard anyone utter the phrase “Oh, make sure I don’t forget my airline headphones,” before leaving for a trip.
The bathrooms are small, and ultimately, I hate them because although I can close the door, I still feel no level of privacy whatsoever. The best part of public bathrooms is being able to leave and not be seen again after someone makes judgement as to what you did in there. In an airplane, there is nowhere to go and no matter what, if there is no line whatsoever and everyone on the airplane is asleep… the moment I step into the bathroom, there will be a long line of people. I am positive people are walking by and looking at me thinking “Oh… you’re the guy from the bathroom…” I’m a clean guy! I swear! Everybody poops. Don’t judge me.
I’ve always believed the big problem with airlines is too many of them are too large, and not enough of them own their airplanes (like Southwest). Airlines are overextended trying to cover the globe with routes, when it would be better for everyone if airlines were little groups competing within regions. With the upcoming talks of a United and Continental merging, and US Airways bidding to purchase Delta, it only looks like there will be higher fares along the way. Though, if you ask me, the problem is in some of the unionized labor they are using. Seniority-based labor agreements and antitrust concerns will make for an interesting change in the airline industry.
Somewhere along the way, I lost the point of my original comment, but since I’ve written so much already… I’ll just go with it. Boo, airlines!
Richard, you bring up many important points, including the size of airlines, the slim profit margins, your love of capitalism compared to my concern regarding capitalism, the possible merger between United and Continental or US air and Delta, but I must respond to, here and now, the most important of your points: pooping in public bathrooms.
At least on a social and personal level, this is the most important confession and one deserving of a further rant. Indeed, I think the concept of “poop a’la public rest-spots” is a vital and of singular concern for all of humanity—whether the “public-rest-spot” exists in the form of a wooden or plastic outhouse, a fine dining facility, an airplane, the mall or a campus (to name a few). First, I wish to applaud your brave nature for confessing your fears here—as mentioning pooping in public, in general, takes daring and self awareness. Please do not think I am poking fun at you—contraire, did I spell that right?, I am not. I have in the past dedicated several posts to our bathroom nature because I am constantly amazed that people, outside their homes or with family, wish to pretend that they do not poop or fart or, even (apparently) pee—all contrary to the evidence found in public bathroom areas. At least in the case of women nowadays (at least many women), I find them constantly denying that they have body waste. It is not that I have discussed this with the women, but they leave evidence behind them telling me so. Such denial is going on that after they use the public bathroom, they refuse to clean up the mess they leave in the toilet, on the toilet and (yes I am sad to say) other places. I think that the state of body-waste denial is so high that they do not clean up after themselves because they have convinced themselves that there is nothing to clean up—nada, no deed transpired.
As for me, I once had to fart in a public restroom while other women were present. I didn’t wish for this to happen. Did not plan to drop-the-big-one on purpose to offend. I sat down, got to work and . . . well . . . you know. Once out, I got looked at by one woman. There we are, standing at the sinks and I get a sideway look that said: “you’re disgusting. I heard, and smelled, what you did in there. How could you?” Then, with bitter-beer-face, the woman actually said: “you’re disgusting.” She said it. First her look said it, and then she said it. And what did I do? At first . . . nothing. I was shocked and embarrassed. It was bad enough that I had to let one fly in a public space with other people hanging around, it was worse that I was being accused of, one assumes, some type of unnatural act. Now, god knows I am not suggesting that we all fart everywhere, all the time and in all places just to get over or fear or denial that our body processes waste. But give me a bloody break. As the woman was walking out the door, I finally found my voice and said, loud and clear: “Yes, I farted, so sue me!” Needless to say she just kept walking, head held high in her I never poop or fart world. Somehow I suspect she is one of those people who make messes on public toilets and does not bother to clean up after—that space of denial. But I too am guessing here.
Regardless, the point I am attempting to make, if there really is a point here, can be best summed up in a delightful, yet questionable in regards to taste, putdown I once heard as a child. Indeed, I wish I would have remembered it when I had to face the “I-Never-Fart” Woman: “you think you are a hot piece of Sh*% on a silver platter, but you’re really just a cold turd on a paper plate.” Can I get an amen? R